everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
