Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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