True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
