you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
