But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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