Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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