I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
