I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
