the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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