and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
