Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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