Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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