This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
