All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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