He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
