I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
