A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
