just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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