All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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