I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
