I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
