I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
