4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
