I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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