peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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