i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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