Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
