I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
