My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
