You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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