Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
