just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
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Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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