I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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