I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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