mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
