I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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