I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
