There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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