I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I met the friendliest cop last night
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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