I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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