I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
