Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
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