I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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