I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
