im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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