I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
