he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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