Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You need Xanax blowdarts
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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