It's Friday. Sex?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
