Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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