Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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