hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am one with the molecules
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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