he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
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Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
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Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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