RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.