Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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