Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him