i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.