my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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