she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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