i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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